The discomfort of being cisgender

As so often happens on social media I'm seeing a lot on one topic this week. That is people talking about cisgender and specifically cisgender people asking not to be referred to by that term. This is getting a very mixed response and unsurprisingly some of the responses are very emotional. Reading the articles and comments and watching the videos I feel like some people are just misrepresenting their point. They are explaining what they mean but not clearly. I think part of this is that they don’t know what they are trying to explain. I don’t presume to speak for all of them, in fact I could be totally wrong and not actually be speaking for any of them, but the reading and watching did form an insight into my own idea on this that is important to me.

I do not identify as cisgender.

But I am cisgender.

Those two statements are only contradictory until you examine the topic at hand. Within society gender roles have been prescribed for thousands of years. These roles have not changed significantly in that time, until now. We are at a turning point of gender ideals, women in particular are affected by this and every woman I know has the same struggle. We do not fit into societies historical idea of women or femininity. We have broken a mould thousands of years old and are trying to form a fluid idea of femininity and with that (I hope) a fluid idea of masculinity. When cisgender people speak about not wanting to be labelled that way I think this is what some of them are trying to express, that we do not fit the gender role assigned to us. Being called cisgender can feel like it implies that we do.

One reason this clarification of gender role is an issue and even worth discussing is because of transgender people. For them the issue of gender, as I understand it, manifests in a different way. I do not fit the gender role forced upon me by society, for trans people they don’t fit the gender of their own body. While I am greatly simplifying two very complex and personal experiences, the definitions of gender role and gender identity are massively different and we need to start acknowledging that. Societies ideals are made up, we decide them, they feel wrong because we have outgrown the past and are forging a new way of thinking, its working too, women achieving academically and professionally, dads staying at home etc. I don’t fit the gender role society has given me, but I am a woman. Transgenderism is not made up, gender is a deeply personal and important aspect of a person’s identity and self-expression and if a person is trans that needs to be dealt with in whatever way the individual who is experiencing it wishes.

There is a lot of talk of privilege at the moment, which I think is good but there is a handicap to privilege, you have to really try to understand issues you have little or no frame of reference for. I have no idea what it is like to be gay or trans or male or black. These are experiences I will never have. I do know how terrifying it is sometimes to be a woman, how belittling and frustrating and all the things that make me a feminist. I am constantly told by the state that I am incapable of making my own reproductive choices and that a law is necessary in order to choose for me. That is an experience men will never have. But the flip side is that I will never have other peoples experience. The only thing I can do is to listen and accept what people tell me. Sometimes this is hard, I think for all of us. Sometimes we can struggle to comprehend what people are telling us, in particular when it is so far from our own perspective that we cannot, initially, recognise it. I believe that is what is happening, in part, with gender labelling, cisgender people are confusing their struggle against the social structure with a trans persons journey to their true gender identity.

I think that our breaking of the gender roles is important. It is important for men and women, be they cis, trans or queer. If we can create a gender fluidity, that things are not assigned to ‘male’ or ‘female’ but just to allow people to choose their own expression and path we will have far less resistance in the long run towards trans people and more excepting of each other in general. I already hate when people generalise the genders, we all express ourselves differently. There may be physical (and I include hormones in that) differences between the sexes but our likes, dislikes, personality traits etc. are not defined by our bodies or chemicals. They are defined by a massively complex combination of physical and mental experiences that are so essential to our individuality and humanity that restricting them makes us inherently uncomfortable.

We are having discussions now that would have been impossible 50 years ago. We are struggling to find the language to engage with these discussions. To those who have started these conversations; trans people; gay people; black people; women, I think sometimes when we talk about the things that impact us we forget that we once had to learn how to articulate ourselves in these discussions. I also think (from being both on the inside and the outside of these issues) that when you figuring out your own identity or when you are trying to be an ally you must learn the language and you need those who already have it to teach you and to be patient. My fear with the gender issue is that by not being patient and helping people to understand that people will feel rejected and excluded and excluding people is partly what got us in this mess in the first place. That is what this post is. It is my explanation of my gender identity, my attempt to share something that is personal and individual and yet is something we all have. My hope is that this will be respected by those who read it and that they feel like they can, if they wish, share their identity with me.

My contribution to the discussion of gender identity is this, I will tell people I am cisgender (if appropriate, I'm not going to randomly shout it at people), but I will also make this clear, I do not fit the gender role assigned to me. I am female, I will express that in whatever way I choose, I hope others feel free to do the same, if not today someday soon.

I am going to start throwing copies of the constitution at people who misquote it!

It is exam time, so instead of studying and possibly risking failure my brain has decided to look at all of the things in the world that have nothing to do with what I should be doing (currently macroeconomics).

One of these distractions has been the marriage equality debate. I, for the first time ever, had an online argument with a stranger. I have always avoided this because, it just seems like you can’t win but I couldn’t resist the bait.

In true ‘I have no idea what I’m talking about and now I’ve been caught I’m going to pretend it hasn’t happened’ style the fella online avoided my response to his question, which he kept changing (it was confusing, I don’t think he knew what his argument was but by god did he know he was right!). His argument was kind of based on the constitution, his interpretation of a document he either hasn’t read or has misunderstood. He kept stating that there was already marriage equality and where did the constitution discriminate against marriage. Now while he is correct, kind of, we do all have the same right to marry, (in regards to the current debate) so long as the person you’re marrying is of the opposite sex, then absolutely we have marriage equality. And he is also right that nowhere does the constitution discriminate against married people, it discriminates for married people as the family is based on marriage. So after deciphering his ranting, possibly incorrectly, I got to thinking, about the constitution and peoples use of it.

It’s an odd document, it’s kind of like the bible, very few people have actually read it, everyone thinks they can quote it, most of those quotes are wrong and even when they’re right they’re usually misinterpreted. It’s also a document written essentially by one man, in 1937, who half the country hated and who’s views where a bit dogey lots of the time. Love him or hate him, Dev had some serious control issues. All of this aside, just looking at the constitution itself, analysing what it is. It is the highest form of law in our country, it cannot be changed by any except the people. It is presented as ‘by the people, for the people’, it is supposed to represent that the people of Ireland are sovereign, that there is now power in the land greater. This is only true to a point, we do have absolute control over the answer of a referendum, just not the question.

So if we take the constitution to be as advertised, the people’s law, surely rather than yelling it at each other we should think, not just about what it says but what we want it to say. What do we want our constitution to say about our law, our society, the people of Ireland? Do we want it to be the ideologies of one dead republican from the 30’s or do we want it to be progressive, inclusive and representative of the ideals we, as a society, hold today?

Ranty internet man is correct, the constitution doesn’t define marriage, equality could be legislated for, no problem. But I think we should add that definition in anyway, I think that by including it and the inclusion of children’s rights (that has now been given the green light to be added in) we are creating a document worth shouting about. A document that we have had a hand in making more inclusive, equal and worthy of national pride. The highest law of the land should be idealistic, should be representative of the best of ourselves, referendums like this one give us a chance to acknowledge the change our society has made since the enactment of the constitution.

So the 22^nd of May isn’t just about marriage equality, it’s about demonstrating the positive change that can happen in our country. Be part of it. Vote yes!  

Happily pregnant and pro-choice!

I'm 21 weeks pregnant and couldn't be happier. I've always known I wanted to have kids at some stage and was lucky enough to find a gorgeous man who is an incredible boyfriend and shows all the signs of being a wonderful father. Starting a family with him is one, if not the, high points of my life so far.

I was pro-choice before I was pregnant and wondered how the experience might change me. Would the emotional and physical upheaval make me more emotional about the issue? Reduce my ability to take an analytic view? It has. I am decidedly more pro-choice then I have ever been because for the first time I really understand how emotionally destroying it must be if you don’t want to be pregnant.

Pregnancy is startling, invasive, unpredictable, overwhelming and tough, even when you want to be pregnant. How it must feel if you don’t can only be traumatic.

I was nauseous 24/7 for eight weeks, vomiting for half of them. The only time I was hungry was about 4am, when no matter how warm and lovely my bed was I knew I had to get up or the nausea would turn to vomiting by 8am. Throughout the day I had to eat through the nausea regularly to stop it getting worse, which was one of the most counterintuitive experiences I've had.  Even then I could only eat very plain starchy food and as someone who derives much of life’s joy from thinking about, making and cooking food this was a very low point.

I was exhausted and emotional, I still don’t think from the hormones because if anyone was sick for nearly two months they’d be exhausted and emotional. On two occasions I had the very clear thought, ‘baby, if you weren't wanted there is no way in hell I’d keep going with this’.  And why would I? Having horrible side effects for a greater good is rational – ask anyone who has had chemotherapy (not comparing of morning sickness to the effects of chemotherapy though if it wasn't wanted the pregnancy may well feel like a tumour). Choosing this when you don’t actually want to achieve that outcome is senseless.

At 11 weeks I saw my baby on a monitor, jumping like it was on a trampoline and I cried then too, thinking ‘there you are, who’s taken over my body, I'm so glad we both made it this far’. Because I knew despite everything at the end we would have a baby we both wanted so much. At 14 weeks I started vomiting again, thankfully only for a few days and again wondered how the hell anyone who doesn't want to do this goes on with such unpredictable upset.

The second trimester is much nicer. My energy is back, I can eat normally and, the loveliest bit, I've started to feel kicks. My pregnancy has become much more personal. I'm feeling really attached to the baby since feeling it move, in a way seeing it on a monitor didn't.

My body is no more predictable, just not in ways that are as difficult. At about 19 weeks I would eat a meal, feel pleasantly full, and ten minutes later feel like Id had Christmas dinner. It was that feeling that I needed to get sick, or walk, or belch or something to feel right. There’s nothing terribly bad about this except that I've been able to predict when I'm full, and make a decision when I'm over eating, since I was a toddler. My body knows, tells my brain, brain makes a decision between comfort and deliciousness. And this was now gone. Thirty years of sensory predictability gone.

For a few weeks there I would sporadically get a feeling of pushing under my left rib. It wasn't baby; baby’s not big enough. I assume it was something making room for baby, but it did mean I had to sit curved over to one side like I was doing an awkward dance move. It was all very unsettling, and I felt like my body wasn't really my own anymore, normal communication was down. And it is. My body is working for two at the moment and seems to find no reason to keep me in the loop.

That feeling that my body is no longer mine is invasive. Invasive doesn't necessarily mean bad. When a parent licks their finger and wipes your face its invasive. And a sign of caring. Passionate kissing can be invasive, in fact maybe that’s what sometimes makes it feel passionate. A friend hugging you and refusing to let go when you’re overcome with sadness can feel invasive. And secure. Now imagine if it was someone you didn't know or like doing any of these things. This is how pregnancy must feel to a woman who doesn't want to be.

And finally people. Once you start telling people you are pregnant things become really personal. The most common question is ‘are you delighted?’ which if you aren't can’t be a helpful question. Even though I was delighted, for the first few weeks I had to get my boyfriend to answer all these questions because I was still too sick to feign current feelings of joy. The second question most commonly asked is if it was planned, which is basically someone asking if, when you had sex, you decided to not use contraception, or are unable to use contraception effectively. If it was planned you’re then often asked if you were trying for long, which is asking for how long you had sex on a monthly basis. Friends of friends, colleagues, people’s parents, all happily asking us about it. I rarely share things about my sex life with my nearest and dearest, and then only if its funny. Why would I start sharing indiscriminately now?

Imagine if it wasn't planned, and I wasn't delighted, and I had no money or ability to travel for an abortion? How awful would these conversations be? There is evidence to show that one of the contributing factors in mental illness is people masking one emotion and showing the opposite. The expectation if you are pregnant is that you must always be thrilled and no impact it has on your psych or your body should be deemed too much. An unhappily pregnant woman could spend this time smiling and feigning delight while feeling disconnected from her body, invaded and trapped by an unwanted little being, who when it comes into the world will then be forever linked to her, whatever her decision then. That sounds like a prison sentence. No woman should be forced to have her physical, emotional and psychological wellbeing held at stake for the morals and wishes of others. It is her body. It is her mind. It is her choice.

So please, from a happily pregnant woman, lets repeal the 8^th, bring in proper and accountable abortion legislation, and allow women their choice.

Written by Aoife Bairéad.

On ogling Charlie's bum and other feminist minefields

The first person who introduced themselves as a feminist to me was my father. He likes strong, intelligent, funny women, so much so he married such a woman. His daughters have (I like to think) inherited those qualities.  He genuinely thinks that men and women are equal, a belief that he has passed down to me without my even realising this was a ‘belief’ to be held. While he thinks my mother is a wonderful woman in many ways the first thing he noticed about her was her legs. They chose to have a relationship and a family because of the people they were but it started because of physical attraction.

Why am I talking about my father’s first response to my mother? Because I fear that objectification has had a negative impact on attraction. When men or women treat you like an object it is uncomfortable and often threatening; I think all women have probably experienced this on some level. Like seeing a woman ahead of you walk by a table of men and the men shout at her. They don’t shout particularly nice things and sometimes there’s even an aggression to their tone. Before you even reach the table your defences are up, you just want to get past them without incident, you may even consider a retort but you don’t know whether or not to do so in case it insights further response, or puts you in danger. This is normal, day to day objectification and it is horrible.  I don’t think the men who do it find it particularly enjoyable and I know the women who experience it don’t.

Now to take an example from my own life; years ago I walked past a group of young men. One of them said “nice bum” far louder than I think he intended to. I turned to look at him and all his friends roared with laughter and I have honestly never seen anyone go that shade of purple. As I walked away I gave a little wiggle and could hear his friends almost crying with laughter. This was not a threatening situation, he made a comment but didn’t intend me to hear, it wasn’t disrespectful or hurtful and when he realised I had heard he responded as anyone would. He found something about me attractive and I decided to take it as a compliment, especially as it was also funny. All in all it is a nice memory and most importantly at no point in that situation did I feel uncomfortable. The difference between the two situations is both tone and intent, one is aggressive and scary the other is warm and nice. This is a subtle difference but it is important. Feeling objectified is horrible, feeling attractive is lovely, simple as!

When a man looks at a woman and thinks she’s beautiful and he’d like to have sex with her, this is not objectification, it is attraction. Sexual desire is not based solely on intellectual compatibility. In fact when you see someone across the room it is not based on anything other than the fact that you’d like the way they look. This is an important part of humanity, it keeps our species reproducing and it makes us feel all warm and fuzzy.

Making comments on a person’s attractiveness is not necessarily objectifying them. For example, Charlie Hunnam’s bum. If you watch Sons of Anarchy you know what I’m talking about, if you don’t you might want to google it. His bum is one of the things that make this world a little bit better just by existing, I’m not the only one who thinks so, I have a facebook chat where it’s a regular topic of conversation. Am I objectifying Charlie? No, I don’t know him, I don’t particularly want to know him but I appreciate his aesthetic qualities. I don’t watch the programme purely for this, the rest of our Facebook chat is about the trials and tribulations of all the characters, this is just a nice bonus. I think we appreciate that he is a person who we happen to make rude comments about in the knowledge that he will never know or care.

Most people I know – men and women- have their version of Charlie’s bum. Surely it is harmless to look at another person and notice things that you find attractive about them and then tell your friends. We don’t know them, they don’t know we’re making them and we aren’t reducing their entire existence to this one aesthetic quality. Just celebrating it a little.

However, objectification is real, to a ridiculous extent. I know myself I have felt confused by what it actually means, though I can certainly identify when I feel it’s happened to me. It’s hard to quantify, without trespassing on the lovely world of attraction. We need another word for eyeing up someone we fancy (I like ogling but maybe that just because I think it’s a funny word) because when I first started becoming more active in my feminism I felt like a hypocrite. Women I know who are vocal feminists would be ranting about objectification one minute and making raunchy comments about our waiter the next. Maybe I’m a bit slow but I couldn’t understand how these women thought it was ok for them to do something and not for men to do it, that’s not fair. But I realised, the objectification they were talking about was not a flippant comment about someone’s attractiveness, it was this constant demand for women to be more than physically perfect to get a man. That being physically attractive was not just the most important thing for a woman to be but that it was the only thing that made you have worth. Being objectified is being made into a thing, a doll to be played with. I will never be a doll, I will always be someone who has in depth conversations about whether Charlie Hunnam’s bum is in fact the greatest gift that has ever been given to men fanciers everywhere. Finding someone attractive or making it the only thing that is important about them are two very different things. Having your intelligence dismissed because you’re “too pretty to be smart” is downright insulting. Being told that men don’t like smart girls is slightly ridiculous. I kind of wish I knew who started that phrase so as I could strongly dislike them. This is what objectification is, to me anyway. It is the constant social reinforcement that unless I look like Angelina Jolie I will never be good enough.

There is one more aspect of this subject I want to discuss; someone finding you attractive and making a move when you are not interested. It can be annoying, it can be overwhelming, the way it is done can be wrong. But their finding you attractive regardless of your feelings is not wrong. We cannot help who we are attracted to. What we can do is choose how we act on those feelings. The reason I am including this in this blog is because I hear women say “why did he even think that was ok?” or insulting someone for staring at them. Basically putting someone down for feeling attraction. I find this difficult to explain because it is a very fine line, however I’ll try. If someone finds you attractive they will probably look at you, if they get the courage up they may talk to you. Neither of these things are bad. If they cross the line to being creepy – making comments that would be rude by anyone’s standards - or groping you, or actively making you uncomfortable in their pursuit in any way then it’s not ok. And in this scenario of course be rude and say ‘why did he even think that was ok?’ But just thinking you are good looking, in itself, is not a bad thing. It’s actually kind of nice (sometimes really nice!) to have someone think you’re attractive; who doesn’t want to be thought to be sexy or beautiful just the way they are? But this area has been made into a minefield for everyone, Men get told that if they want to be nice and respectful then they have to pretend not to notice our breasts or bums or legs or whatever is there thing, which is biologically impossible for them not to do (unless they like men in which case same thing, different gender being ogled). We also imply with statements like ‘what made him think that was ok?’ that his feelings are not equal to our own, that the fancier’s emotions are less important than the fancyie’s. Women get told (like I just told you) that being found attractive is a good thing. We don’t get told when it stops being a good thing and starts being a creepy and uncomfortable thing it’s ok for us to say so. We don’t have to be nasty (going back to my earlier issue of being rude in these situations), we can be polite and firm and clear. Take the flattering part of being found attractive as a compliment and acknowledge that it’s tough to let someone know you find them attractive. We can deal with their putting their emotions and dignity into our hands with class and grace (or humour in the right situation). But if that attraction is not mutual we absolutely should make that clear and that decision should always be respected.

So we need a new word, my vote is in but I'm open to suggestions. This word needs to be defined very clearly as “finding someone attractive and appreciating their physical attributes without objectifying them or making the situation really uncomfortable”.