The discomfort of being cisgender

As so often happens on social media I'm seeing a lot on one topic this week. That is people talking about cisgender and specifically cisgender people asking not to be referred to by that term. This is getting a very mixed response and unsurprisingly some of the responses are very emotional. Reading the articles and comments and watching the videos I feel like some people are just misrepresenting their point. They are explaining what they mean but not clearly. I think part of this is that they don’t know what they are trying to explain. I don’t presume to speak for all of them, in fact I could be totally wrong and not actually be speaking for any of them, but the reading and watching did form an insight into my own idea on this that is important to me.

I do not identify as cisgender.

But I am cisgender.

Those two statements are only contradictory until you examine the topic at hand. Within society gender roles have been prescribed for thousands of years. These roles have not changed significantly in that time, until now. We are at a turning point of gender ideals, women in particular are affected by this and every woman I know has the same struggle. We do not fit into societies historical idea of women or femininity. We have broken a mould thousands of years old and are trying to form a fluid idea of femininity and with that (I hope) a fluid idea of masculinity. When cisgender people speak about not wanting to be labelled that way I think this is what some of them are trying to express, that we do not fit the gender role assigned to us. Being called cisgender can feel like it implies that we do.

One reason this clarification of gender role is an issue and even worth discussing is because of transgender people. For them the issue of gender, as I understand it, manifests in a different way. I do not fit the gender role forced upon me by society, for trans people they don’t fit the gender of their own body. While I am greatly simplifying two very complex and personal experiences, the definitions of gender role and gender identity are massively different and we need to start acknowledging that. Societies ideals are made up, we decide them, they feel wrong because we have outgrown the past and are forging a new way of thinking, its working too, women achieving academically and professionally, dads staying at home etc. I don’t fit the gender role society has given me, but I am a woman. Transgenderism is not made up, gender is a deeply personal and important aspect of a person’s identity and self-expression and if a person is trans that needs to be dealt with in whatever way the individual who is experiencing it wishes.

There is a lot of talk of privilege at the moment, which I think is good but there is a handicap to privilege, you have to really try to understand issues you have little or no frame of reference for. I have no idea what it is like to be gay or trans or male or black. These are experiences I will never have. I do know how terrifying it is sometimes to be a woman, how belittling and frustrating and all the things that make me a feminist. I am constantly told by the state that I am incapable of making my own reproductive choices and that a law is necessary in order to choose for me. That is an experience men will never have. But the flip side is that I will never have other peoples experience. The only thing I can do is to listen and accept what people tell me. Sometimes this is hard, I think for all of us. Sometimes we can struggle to comprehend what people are telling us, in particular when it is so far from our own perspective that we cannot, initially, recognise it. I believe that is what is happening, in part, with gender labelling, cisgender people are confusing their struggle against the social structure with a trans persons journey to their true gender identity.

I think that our breaking of the gender roles is important. It is important for men and women, be they cis, trans or queer. If we can create a gender fluidity, that things are not assigned to ‘male’ or ‘female’ but just to allow people to choose their own expression and path we will have far less resistance in the long run towards trans people and more excepting of each other in general. I already hate when people generalise the genders, we all express ourselves differently. There may be physical (and I include hormones in that) differences between the sexes but our likes, dislikes, personality traits etc. are not defined by our bodies or chemicals. They are defined by a massively complex combination of physical and mental experiences that are so essential to our individuality and humanity that restricting them makes us inherently uncomfortable.

We are having discussions now that would have been impossible 50 years ago. We are struggling to find the language to engage with these discussions. To those who have started these conversations; trans people; gay people; black people; women, I think sometimes when we talk about the things that impact us we forget that we once had to learn how to articulate ourselves in these discussions. I also think (from being both on the inside and the outside of these issues) that when you figuring out your own identity or when you are trying to be an ally you must learn the language and you need those who already have it to teach you and to be patient. My fear with the gender issue is that by not being patient and helping people to understand that people will feel rejected and excluded and excluding people is partly what got us in this mess in the first place. That is what this post is. It is my explanation of my gender identity, my attempt to share something that is personal and individual and yet is something we all have. My hope is that this will be respected by those who read it and that they feel like they can, if they wish, share their identity with me.

My contribution to the discussion of gender identity is this, I will tell people I am cisgender (if appropriate, I'm not going to randomly shout it at people), but I will also make this clear, I do not fit the gender role assigned to me. I am female, I will express that in whatever way I choose, I hope others feel free to do the same, if not today someday soon.