Happily pregnant and pro-choice!

I'm 21 weeks pregnant and couldn't be happier. I've always known I wanted to have kids at some stage and was lucky enough to find a gorgeous man who is an incredible boyfriend and shows all the signs of being a wonderful father. Starting a family with him is one, if not the, high points of my life so far.

I was pro-choice before I was pregnant and wondered how the experience might change me. Would the emotional and physical upheaval make me more emotional about the issue? Reduce my ability to take an analytic view? It has. I am decidedly more pro-choice then I have ever been because for the first time I really understand how emotionally destroying it must be if you don’t want to be pregnant.

Pregnancy is startling, invasive, unpredictable, overwhelming and tough, even when you want to be pregnant. How it must feel if you don’t can only be traumatic.

I was nauseous 24/7 for eight weeks, vomiting for half of them. The only time I was hungry was about 4am, when no matter how warm and lovely my bed was I knew I had to get up or the nausea would turn to vomiting by 8am. Throughout the day I had to eat through the nausea regularly to stop it getting worse, which was one of the most counterintuitive experiences I've had.  Even then I could only eat very plain starchy food and as someone who derives much of life’s joy from thinking about, making and cooking food this was a very low point.

I was exhausted and emotional, I still don’t think from the hormones because if anyone was sick for nearly two months they’d be exhausted and emotional. On two occasions I had the very clear thought, ‘baby, if you weren't wanted there is no way in hell I’d keep going with this’.  And why would I? Having horrible side effects for a greater good is rational – ask anyone who has had chemotherapy (not comparing of morning sickness to the effects of chemotherapy though if it wasn't wanted the pregnancy may well feel like a tumour). Choosing this when you don’t actually want to achieve that outcome is senseless.

At 11 weeks I saw my baby on a monitor, jumping like it was on a trampoline and I cried then too, thinking ‘there you are, who’s taken over my body, I'm so glad we both made it this far’. Because I knew despite everything at the end we would have a baby we both wanted so much. At 14 weeks I started vomiting again, thankfully only for a few days and again wondered how the hell anyone who doesn't want to do this goes on with such unpredictable upset.

The second trimester is much nicer. My energy is back, I can eat normally and, the loveliest bit, I've started to feel kicks. My pregnancy has become much more personal. I'm feeling really attached to the baby since feeling it move, in a way seeing it on a monitor didn't.

My body is no more predictable, just not in ways that are as difficult. At about 19 weeks I would eat a meal, feel pleasantly full, and ten minutes later feel like Id had Christmas dinner. It was that feeling that I needed to get sick, or walk, or belch or something to feel right. There’s nothing terribly bad about this except that I've been able to predict when I'm full, and make a decision when I'm over eating, since I was a toddler. My body knows, tells my brain, brain makes a decision between comfort and deliciousness. And this was now gone. Thirty years of sensory predictability gone.

For a few weeks there I would sporadically get a feeling of pushing under my left rib. It wasn't baby; baby’s not big enough. I assume it was something making room for baby, but it did mean I had to sit curved over to one side like I was doing an awkward dance move. It was all very unsettling, and I felt like my body wasn't really my own anymore, normal communication was down. And it is. My body is working for two at the moment and seems to find no reason to keep me in the loop.

That feeling that my body is no longer mine is invasive. Invasive doesn't necessarily mean bad. When a parent licks their finger and wipes your face its invasive. And a sign of caring. Passionate kissing can be invasive, in fact maybe that’s what sometimes makes it feel passionate. A friend hugging you and refusing to let go when you’re overcome with sadness can feel invasive. And secure. Now imagine if it was someone you didn't know or like doing any of these things. This is how pregnancy must feel to a woman who doesn't want to be.

And finally people. Once you start telling people you are pregnant things become really personal. The most common question is ‘are you delighted?’ which if you aren't can’t be a helpful question. Even though I was delighted, for the first few weeks I had to get my boyfriend to answer all these questions because I was still too sick to feign current feelings of joy. The second question most commonly asked is if it was planned, which is basically someone asking if, when you had sex, you decided to not use contraception, or are unable to use contraception effectively. If it was planned you’re then often asked if you were trying for long, which is asking for how long you had sex on a monthly basis. Friends of friends, colleagues, people’s parents, all happily asking us about it. I rarely share things about my sex life with my nearest and dearest, and then only if its funny. Why would I start sharing indiscriminately now?

Imagine if it wasn't planned, and I wasn't delighted, and I had no money or ability to travel for an abortion? How awful would these conversations be? There is evidence to show that one of the contributing factors in mental illness is people masking one emotion and showing the opposite. The expectation if you are pregnant is that you must always be thrilled and no impact it has on your psych or your body should be deemed too much. An unhappily pregnant woman could spend this time smiling and feigning delight while feeling disconnected from her body, invaded and trapped by an unwanted little being, who when it comes into the world will then be forever linked to her, whatever her decision then. That sounds like a prison sentence. No woman should be forced to have her physical, emotional and psychological wellbeing held at stake for the morals and wishes of others. It is her body. It is her mind. It is her choice.

So please, from a happily pregnant woman, lets repeal the 8^th, bring in proper and accountable abortion legislation, and allow women their choice.

Written by Aoife Bairéad.